name="Weight Loss Wizard" by A. R. Gregory

Weight Loss Wizard

Ron Ramstrong bounded to center stage, his massive pectorals splaying his silk shirt to his navel, his biceps and triceps nearly splitting its sleeves. He flailed his fists as he glared at the rows of rapt faces before him. “It ain’t rocket science, folks. It’s literally as easy as pie. You eat too much, you weigh too much. You gotta starve the beast, and the beast is your dumbass, outta-control appetite.”

He peered upward, rolled his eyes and shook his head as if he and the Almighty couldn’t believe how simple it was. Then he glared back at the audience. “Think about it, what does hunger mean to you? Emptiness, want, poverty, pain, starvation, death? But America means wanting for nothing, everyone fat and happy to the max. There’s nothing more un-American than hunger, right. Admit it, folks, that’s exactly how you think about hunger. Well, guess what.”

He scanned the auditorium side to side, up and down, then roared, “You’re wrong! All wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! And who wants to tell me you’re not?”
He hunched, ready to pounce, then he lowered his voice. “Hunger, the boogeyman? Hunger scares the bejeezus outta you? You have to banish every hint of unfullness, and don’t forget the supersized dessert? Well, I know hunger, folks, know it intimately, and believe you me, hunger is nothing to fear. It’s just a feeling, and a perfectly natural feeling at that. And once you get to know and appreciate what hunger can do for you, you’ll realize it’s a good feeling too.

“But hunger isn’t only a feeling. When it comes to weight loss, hunger is your best friend ever, because when you feel hunger, you know you’re losing weight. Get it? Feel hunger, lose weight. When you realize that, you can start liking hunger. You might not see your weight loss on the scale every day, but it’s happening on the cellular level every time you feel hungry. It's when you accept hunger as your friend that you can actually will the excess weight away. All you have to do is hang out with your buddy hunger. Could anything be simpler?”

He shrugged, raised his palms, as well as his eyebrows. “But Ron, you whine, what kinda friend causes me pain? If hunger is my buddy, why does it hurt? Why does it make me feel so miserable? I’ll tell you why, because you’ve let your sissy, worrywart body has psych — you — out. Your body thinks it will starve to death if it doesn’t banish hunger immediately. It doesn’t want you to even be on speaking terms with hunger. Bodies are like that, all-or-nothing drama queens, the biggest cowards ever. There isn’t a natural-born hero among them. It takes a strong mind to force a body to be heroic and fit and strong. So you have to dominate your body and your appetite. And when you do, folks, believe you me, you’ll discover more satisfaction in your mastery of them than you ever could have imagined.”

He leaned closer to the audience, calmed the air with his spread fingers. His voice got gossipy intimate. “Ever hung out with hunger, folks, really got to know it up close and personal? I’m not talking about starvation hunger, I’m talking plain, ordinary, everyday healthy hunger you feel between meals or at bedtime when you haven’t been munching all night long.” He scanned the audience, pointed. “And you know who you are too, all you late-night snackers, you fourth and fifth mealers.

“Your hunger will respect you if you’re honest and firm with it. Three reasonable size meals a day, period. No munching before, after, or in-between. Sure, your hunger will ask for more, but it will appreciate your resolve. When it learns relief is always in sight with the next meal, knows it can always depend on that relief, your hunger will start pacing itself. And hallelujah, folks, all the misunderstanding between you and hunger will be over.

“Never forget, between-meal snacks are the devil. They'll sink any attempt to lose weight, to even keep your weight steady. Three meals a day, period! But Ron, you ask, what about comfort food, those late-night snacks we need so bad? How can we give them up? Well guess what, wusses, when you cut out that after-dinner munching, that big, bad hunger monster your body has psyched you into being so scared of turns out to be nothing but a cuddly little pussycat. You’ll love the way it stretches and yawns in your belly. Sharp claws? Gnashing teeth? Get real. As soon as you go to bed that cuddly little pussycat nods off with you and sleeps like a baby, without a peep. And when you wake up the next morning, you feel great. So does your gut after a much-needed all-night rest. Plus, you’ll love seeing those falling numbers on your bathroom scale.

“So try it after dinner tonight. No snacking for the rest of the evening. When you go to bed, savor your hunger. Enjoy the feel of your gut having some room to spare for a change. If your body gets hysterical, throws a hissy fit, take charge. Bitch-slap some sense into it. You know you won’t starve to death before breakfast, whatever your wussy, whiny body says. Would you rather delight in your bulging belly or in your mastery of your life?

“So lie back, enjoy that strange new feeling called hunger. Imagine yourself trim and healthy again, because that’s what your new friend hunger is promising you. Before long you’ll realize that feeling of fullness you used to crave, that bloated, waddling, gut-crammed-to-capacity fullness, has become your biggest turn-off ever....”